It’ll get easier,

Well so they say.. but do they feel this, have they gone through this? do they watch a loved one suffer like this and feel helpless. ?? 

I wonder what the percentage is on how many people they tell that it’ll get easier when in actual fact it only gets worse.

With these periods of OMG I’m starting to feel better. Only to crash and burn. Because that is all that seems like is happening, I feel like I am better and then BOOM. I am a train wreck again. 

it’s not easy being a train wreck. They tell you to think of the good times.. aint no good times getting through when all you can see is blackness.

Black absorbs all light, there is no refraction when it comes to black. So how then can one see the light at the end of the tunnel? or the lighter sides of life?

The worst part is when you have been black for so long you no longer believe there is a version of light anymore.

I can’t see the light, I honestly don’t believe it exists anymore because everytime I do believe something comes along and sweeps it out from under me. Then there are the times when nothing comes along and it still gets swept out from under me. Thats what this time is now, no triggers no nothing. Just black. 

I will leave you with this, 

“Soon madness has worn you down. It’s easier to do what it says than argue. In this way, it takes over your mind. You no longer know where it ends and you begin. You believe anything it says. You do what it tells you, no matter how extreme or absurd. If it says you’re worthless, you agree. You plead for it to stop. You promise to behave. You are on your knees before it, and it laughs.” –  Marya HornbacherMadness: A Bipolar Life

 

B

Go away.

I want it to stop, I wanna be better. I want a cure. Why is there nothing that makes this go away?? 

All the answers from the doctors seem to be is up your PRN, which results in nothing but sleepiness. Then I wake up and the cycle repeats. 

I do everything on my part, I go to the appointments. I read my notes. I write my heart and soul out. nothing is helping and I am at a complete loss as to where to go from here. 

I hate the PRN with a passion, but lately it is all that gets me through. But then I hate the sleepiness. Its all just a vicious bandaid. 

It makes me so incredibly angry to be at this point again after only three weeks out of the clinic, feels like I dealt with six weeks of groups all to go downhill again. 

I know I shouldn’t think it, but is there ever going to be that point of somewhat normalcy back into my life.?! 

Anxiety riddled.

Still struggling with anxiety all day today and so far all night. Only today I don’t think I am creating any knowns or unknowns in my mind. I’m just trying to get through it. Somehow…

Wish I had the answers at these times. So that I didn’t have to feel this internal physical pain. No pills can make it go away. All they do is make me sleep and have to face it once I wake up. No amount of re reading my notes from my recent clinic admission is helping. It’s just there. All the time. Wish so much it would go away.

I know I’m whinging and shouldn’t be. But that’s life. I guess I’m in a whinging mood.

Anxiety.

Having anxiety: when you encounter anxiety due to an impending event. Say, public speaking.

Suffering anxiety: when it is turned on for no reason.

All anxiety is caused by the what if. We fear the unknown.

We create our own unknown.

It is impossible to fear the unknown. We fear what may be. We create our own known.

I know I am creating a known in my mind. I just don’t know how to properly express it. How to form the words to make myself fully comprehend why my anxiety is turned on. I know I’m suffering. Probably even torturing myself with this. But when the words aren’t there. How do you get past it. I instead am doing the best I can to process and overcome this bout of anxiety. Without the Xanax. Try and show my body that it can and will pass.

Life’s a bitch.

Two weeks today since I got home. One and a half of a week of true well being and feeling better. Thinking I was ready to tackle all the triggers life could throw at me.

Well fuck you life. Couldn’t handle that trigger yet.

I should rent a bed at the hospital and make it all comfy for all these admissions. Thank god for doctor Gracie. Admission would be so much more painful without her. ❤

Illness life.

People looking in from the outside could never understand what it is like. They can try all they like but it’s just not possible. As much as we wish people would understand I think it comes to a point where we have to accept that they won’t.

I was asked not that long ago. “Would you lose your illness if you could” immediately I said “no I wouldn’t”
My illness hasn’t been the only thing to shape my life into the point that it is at. Sure it’s been present and provided some speed bumps. But inevitably it has been me. My core belief and the way I have expressed that onto others.

There’s been a term thrown around that people used to use to describe me “stuck up city bitch”. Well yeah I never used to know exactly how to interact with people in the right way. When I did interact it was the wrong way.

But that’s all I’ve ever known in my life. How to act the wrong way.. I wasn’t shown as a child a loving stable home life. Hell I wasn’t taught at all how to healthily love someone. Ergo, I’ve never successfully loved someone and in turn I’ve made it impossible for someone to healthily happily love me.

There is a multitude of things in my past that I am extremely unproud of. But maybe if I changed them I wouldn’t be at the point I am at now. This point of clarity and happiness within myself. This point where I have gotten out into the world on my own and standing on my own two feet. I wish I could take back the way I hurt people. But instead I will forever be sorry.

B

Connect the dots.

No decision is ever the wrong decision. You make the decision because it is the right decision at the time. No matter how hard it is at that time to make the decision that you make. You always have to believe that it inevitably will be what’s right for you.
When I make a decision now. I believe it’s that decision I am making for a reason. Even if the outcome is unclear. Eventually all the dots will connect.

So I leave you with this quote.
“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.” – Steve jobs.

Time Flies!

Its amazing when you sit back and actually assess how much time has flown! 

I’ve been home for a week today.. which doesn’t seem like long in the scheme of things. But it’s been a HUGE week. I feel like I haven’t stopped!

These days I find it so hard to be inside if the sun is shining. Which is amazing to feel. All these little changes in my life have lead to one big change within myself.

I can’t lie and say that I haven’t slipped up a few times and believed my silly core belief again. Because I have! but this is how I manage… everyday I look for one thing to prove to me that I am worth it. Whether it be a simple sentence that is said to me or an actual gesture. So far everyday I have found something. 

The most exciting thing about being home is that I am moving!! which feels amazing. My own place to turn into “home”. It feels so good to have done something for myself all on my own. It’s about time I started being 23 and doing things as an adult seeing as I am one and all. 

Since being home I have encountered three triggers. Two of which I believe would have brought me undone in the past. Its even more refreshing to look at myself and see that I got through it. One was more difficult than the others but I made it!! 

So I leave you with this quote. 
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. – Viktor E Frankl. 

B. 

I can feel it.

I can feel the change, I sit back and look deep inside myself and see the change. It is there, I have managed to change parts of me that didn’t seem possible. 

One thing I do know is that the depression will always come and go. But now I have the skills to deal with it appropriately. 

I feel, dare I say it.. happy! I feel happy within myself. It shows me that all these feelings of “happiness” I’ve had before were impostors! I wasn’t actually happy. I was coasting through life attaching my feelings to one thing after the other and sucking happiness from that. 

Now I am, on my own with skills and knowledge and I have never felt better! this isn’t fleeting happiness either I’ve felt the fleeting happiness before. The one you know won’t last. But this is long lasting. I’ve been monitoring it daily even on the bad days where it seemed like the world was black again I still had this underlying feeling of happiness and knowledge. Knowledge that I would come out the other side instead of giving up. 

My core belief has changed. I know now that i am not worthless. I AM WORTH IT. I will continue to tell myself this.

What makes you smile?

Still seeing blackness all around me. It’s got me wondering. 
 
What is it that makes others smile? 
 
Got a new phone today.. Did I smile? No. 
Is it nice having a shiny new phone. Yes. 
 
So for me, it’s not material things that make me smile. It needs to be more than that. Something or someone that connects with me for whatever reason. 
 
Maybe someone can say something I actually find humorous..? Maybe someone will say something kind or loving? 
 
Maybe that’s when I will smile.. Or maybe it’s not.