Pain

Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

One of the great quotes I learnt from six weeks in a clinic.

I am letting myself suffer and what for?

Someone that cares? Yeah.. Right.

I think we need to look at the root of our pain and see are we feeling pain or are we suffering pain at the cause of our own hands.

It’s not easy. Trust me it’s not. To teach yourself to stop suffering. To stop torturing yourself and I’m not gonna say I’ve learnt how to.. Coz I’m far from it.!

But I know it’s an option out there somewhere. To stop suffering and let go of the pain. One day maybe.

B

Technology

How do you use technology?

Do you remember the days when our everyday technology comforts did not exist?

I personally am a technology junkie, I religiously check Facebook (though I have recently stopped using the status tool and only posting photos.) whilst I used to wake up of a morning and check facebook straight away. I now go hours without even realising that I haven’t checked it.

I read all my news online. National, international and even my small town local paper.

I email regularly (not everyday). But I receive all of my bills via email and then in turn use internet banking to pay the bills.

Now, there’s an innovative piece of technology. I am sure that a massive part of the population uses it. I rarely ever actually walk into a bank branch anymore. I use my trusty iPhone app to pay my bills, to check my statements, to check my balances and to transfer my funds.

Smartphones, how did we survive without them? all these technologies I have mentioned using. I do all from my smartphone. We rarely even have the need for a laptop or even a full computer anymore.!

I remember the days before all this existed. Before ADSL, when I had to run a long ass cable from the phone all the way to the computer just to go on MSN or messenger (there’s a throwback!). Hating the fact that if someone wanted to use the phone I would have to disconnect so that they could make their call.

I remember my first mobile with a bulky battery big numbers and god forbid without a colour screen. Though I do recall spending many hours playing snake! I would compare that game to what we are now all addicted to, Candy Crush!

I remember having to go into the bank to transfer my money into my other accounts or to others accounts.

Technology is, quick, easy, convenient and albeit lazy! but I am guilty of its enticing existence clearly. You wouldn’t be reading this blog if I weren’t.

By now you are probably wondering why this girl that predominantly blogs about mental illness is suddenly going all techo, so here it is.

Having recently been scheduled and put into the public health system all of my tech devices were taken from me. (oh the horror!) for the first 24hrs I was constantly going to “google it” or check “IMDB” and not being able to was absolute torture.! But after that it got easier. It became … peaceful. It made me realise just how much I rely on technology.

Which leads me to wonder…

Where would we be if technology had not advanced so far already.?

Where will be in ten years time with the current rate of technological advances?

I for one can not wait to watch all this unravel.

Is love your drug?

I am a huge sucker when it comes to love. I find it so easy to fall. But so hard to fall out. Even when I know I should.

Is it the companionship I desire or to be loved?

It all comes back to a childhood of feeling like I wasn’t valued and loved for who I was. But more treated as what I could do for the family (chores etc)

I didn’t live in a house where I was shown what real happy love was. I lived in a house where love was arguments and destruction of feelings.

I’ve learnt how not to do that now. I’m trying to move forward with my life. Whilst I know I am no where near ready to love another man or even be with another man. I feel like I shouldn’t burden anyone else with my illness. Hell look what it did to my last relationship. Which has all but destroyed me.

It’s made me pretty much give up on love. They should change the word to hurt.

Do you have this problem too?

B.

Impulses.

Do you suffer from impulsive behaviours.?

I have a few that I suffer from and that my anti-psychotic is supposed to combat. (supposed to being the operative word)

My behaviours include and have included.

– Reckless driving

– Self harm

– Reckless spending

– Promiscuos sex (formally)

– Impulse decisions

Case in point: Currently sitting in Canberra having driven two hours a day early just on a whim decision.

Had the thought come into my mind, packed my bags and here I am. Do I regret it? no.

But it does show me that some of my impulses are still lurking beneath the surface and I need to do more to combat them when they arise.

What if my impulse had of been something much worse. I need to get on top of my impulses as I feel this is crucial to my becoming as well as I can be.

Do you suffer from these as well?

B.

Sleep

How many of you guys get that tiredness where your eyes are closing but your mind isn’t. I swear that is up there with one of the worst feelings. 

all I want is a decent sleep, yet I am being tormented by my ever running brain yet again. Saying this that and the other. 

None of it even being relevant which is the most annoying. I am not thinking about any one thing in particular. Just a running monologue of, “make sure you do this” “maybe you shoudn’t have done that” “next time say no” “dont be the yes man” 

So many random random thoughts that just will not shut down. 

My dearest brain, if you quieten down soon.. I promise to love you forever. ( okay not true I often hate you. But we can be love/hate cant we?? pretty please) 

Meds.

The joys of being on medications, I have been on Xanax for two months now. When I was admitted to the psych hospital on friday I was told they didn’t stock it. Ergo, I did not receive my friday nor saturday doses. 

Needless to say come saturday I was a full on basket case. I couldn’t leave my room, couldn’t eat and could barely stop crying. It was horrible. Something I never want to feel again. 

It took one nurse, the evening nurse. To realise exactly what was going on with me and she did her job and rung to the main hospital for some to be brought to the psych unit. HOW HARD WAS THAT??? 

Why did neither of the three nurses dealing with me in meltdown mode realise what was happening to me and do their job properly. The Xanax was charted all they had to do was make a phone call and give it to me. Clearly they put it in the too hard basket. which in turn put me into the mental case basket. 

But alas, I am home now and well again. After a consult with my doctor today we are leaving me on the same dosage and not mucking around with it until I get much further into my therapy. Which for now, I am happy to comply with. 

So lesson learnt in this instance, wean off your drugs slowly and under good medical advice!! 

B

Chronic pain.

Do you suffer from chronic pain? How does it affect your other mental illness/es?

I’ve suffered from chronic pain for three years and the doctors feel it is as good as it is going to get. So I take more pills. Two different pain killers. I’ve tried two different pain patches and both had very adverse reactions. So I had no choice but to drop back to the pills. (Oh how I wish for a pill free life.

Mood stabilisers.
Anti psychotic.
Anti anxiety.
Sleeping tablets.
Pain meds. X 2

I’ve had to dedicate a whole bedside drawer to tablets alone.

Watching some late night tv. I just came across this article on chronic pain and some of the advances we are making in this area.

chronic pain article.

Definitely worth a read! It’s hopeful to see that maybe at some point we may be at a place in technology where we no longer need to take a multitude of pills to combat our physical pain at least.

Turia Pitt.

How many of you guys know the story of Turia Pitt.?

Inspirational.

This story is filled with true love. A partner who never even thought of leaving the love of his life through all of this ordeal.

I’ve felt love. I’ve been “in” love. But I don’t think anyone has ever held that kind of intense love for me. It’s taken a long time for me to realise that it’s okay to have not had someone love me in that way. To have not had someone accept me for who I am. No matter what.

But I can’t help but know, that someone is out there. The right someone will look at everything I’ve gone through and love me anyway. The right someone will stand by my side and be proud to be there. The right someone will fight for me and not be ashamed of who I am.

Finally I realise. Instead of fighting people away. Ill let them in and let them see for themselves that labels aren’t everything.

Love is out there. It just may not be where you expect it to be.

So I leave you with this.

I might have to wait, I’ll never give up
I guess it’s half timing, and the other half’s luck
Wherever you are, whenever it’s right
You’ll come out of nowhere and into my life – Michael Bublé.

B.

In transit.

Where am I..?

In transit.

Where to..?

Goulburn psych hospital.

Why..?

My brain just keeps on telling me to kill myself.

No matter what I do to try and combat it. So I’ve manned up and asked for better help. Even though where I am being transferred to is a hell hole. I’m sure it hasn’t changed since the last time I was here a year ago.

I’ve had to realise quite quickly lately that sometimes we just need help and sometimes more drastic than others.

In Australia, we have a system called “scheduling” it’s basically a legal way to take away your rights and make you an involuntary patient. That’s what I currently am.

Who knows where this road is going to lead…